I Don’t know about you guys, but the process of the whole hooking up thing has seriously annoyed the living crap out of me. It is physically & mentally draining, time costly, and has now become boring to an extent. I feel like a hamster that spends most of its life running on a wheel going nowhere, doing tons of running just to end up in the same position it started in.
I often encourage young queer people to go out into the world and explore the realms of their sexual fluidness to learn what their interests consist of. Essentially that’s what trial & error is. You can’t possibly know what you like without first finding out what you don’t like. However, after a while, you may begin to see yourself in a repetitive journey, experiencing the same behavioral patterns and archetypes via dating apps and social settings. All of a sudden, what you thought hooking up was could soon become just as boring as anything else in your life.
How Hooking up became boring to me
When I first heard of Grindr and Jackd I felt like the cavemen who first discovered fire. I was excited to have the opportunity to finally meet other gay men for the first time. The encounters were great for the most part, I even met some friends along the way. I could have anyone at my doorstep, handle my business, and go on about my day. At that point in my life sex was all I needed.
Through the highs and lows of my journey, I soon found myself doing the same things. I mean, I still enjoyed hooking up, yet began developing a desire to want something different– something that was going to excite me again. I wouldn’t say I wanted a relationship at the time, but I did want a more exciting sex life.
Hooking up became redundant and the feelings I once gathered from having sex soon became a job. I was constantly repeating the process over and over again while complaining about it at the exact same time– like a job I hated. Remember when you were looking at employment posts on Indeed or LinkedIn? Everything seemed great about the job until you saw its requirements. That’s what sex began to feel like.
What I dislike the most about finding a hook up:
Finding the right person to have sex with
” I’m not having sex with you just because we’re both looking for sex”
I’m sure you can agree that you’ve come across people who were simply not a match for you based on your own personal preference. Sex role, height, age, and endowment are a few ways we choose who we want sexual relations with. It may seem fun at first because there’s just so many options to choose from, but having to screen thousands of men you come into contact with is enough to take make the process feel like a job. Its sort of like a double-edged sword. Yeah, there are options to choose from, but having so many options will surely be far more work that you asked for.
Sex is not sex and a hole is not a hole. Just because there’s plenty of fish in the sea does not mean I need to catch every fish I see. Call it pickiness if you want to, but If a person doesn’t fit my needs then how can enjoy sex to the fullest? Closing my eyes and imagining someone else other than the person I’m having sex with at that moment is an illusion at the end of the day, and sex is not an illusion.
Location and Traveling
” If you can’t host, and I can’t host then what are we going to do?”
Ok, so you finally found your person of preference, it only took 3 hours but you found “the one”. Now what?
There are a few scenarios I’ve often come across as far as location was concerned. After I find someone who has piqued my interest there are many questions running through my head. I know you know what I mean.
Who’s hosting and who’s traveling? If I’m traveling I need to figure out the best way of getting to your place. If you drive this might not be an issue for you. However, if you don’t drive like me then public transportation will be your primary method of getting around town. You have to consider your time of arrival, traveling expenses, and constantly think if this whole thing is a setup to get you murdered. It happens, gay men are targeted every day. It’s all mentally draining for me.
If I’m hosting I have to make sure my home is vacant and prepared for my guest( unless having a messy environment is no big deal to you). By this time my anxiety running through the roof. Can I trust this person inside my safe haven? Does he steal? What if my mom comes home in the middle of our session? Is this even worth it?
Making sure you have a place to hook up is important. Of course, there’s always the option of having public sex in a park or car, but not having a secured location can sometimes make it difficult for people to fully indulge in a sexual experience, and will often set you right back at step one.
“If you don’t smoke, don’t bother coming over”
Condoms, lubrication, substances like alcohol and marijuana are needed for some in order to have an optimum hook up experience. Condoms and lube may be prioritized more than alcohol, but sometimes easily obtained items such as these can make or break an experience. Who am I to yuck someone’s yum?
You may have the person and location secured, but what If this person will only have sex with you if substances are involved? The easy answer would be “no” and you would automatically report back to the drawing board.
Lack of Communication
“Dude, I thought we agreed to meet up earlier today why are you just now texting me 6 hours later?”
Communication will always be the deciding factor in terms of a successful interpersonal relationship between two people. For some reason looking for something as accessible as sex can be super difficult when the communication is off. By no means necessary are we obligated to effectively communicate with people we don’t know, but there’s no doubt that it makes the process go by so much smoother when you can interact with someone who’s on the same level as you in terms of equal exchange in dialogue.
You’d think that two people who’re super horny would do each other a favor and make the situation easier. Absolutely not, I can’t count how many times I’ve had to sit and wait for hours just for a simple reply. By the time I get a response I’m already uninterested and on to the next potential person. I totally understand that your life is not predicated through hooking up, but stopping midway through the planning process and message me a day later saying ” Hey I’m sorry, I fell to sleep” gets very little empathy from me. The least you could have done was communicate.
How Can I avoid these situations as much as possible?
I am tired of the process needed to have a successful hookup. At most times hookups end up being awkward, problematic and a huge time waster. In some experiences, I wish I could go back in time and erase those moments.
I can’t deny that through my trials I have learned that hooking up doesn’t have to be the end all be all. In almost every situation, we are responsible for our actions, especially over something like “hooking up” which we have total control over. It would be hypocritical of me to say I that I highly dislike hooking up without actually taking actions to change my internalized problem with it.
Here are 4 successful tips that I’ve applied to combat a stressful hookup life.
1. Take a break away from dating&hookup apps
Giving yourself time away from apps like Grindr, Jackd, and Tindr is a great method to regather yourself. Having the power to have instant accesses to the hundreds of men in our area can be hypnotizing and will easily get you lost in the gay melting pot. Having to constantly engage in un-organic dialogue in exchange for sex will have you endlessly searching for the right fix. Many people on these apps may not have your best interest at heart, give yourself a week or two to recuperate with those who do– your mental health will thank you later.
2. Utilize the block button MORE
Remember that the block button is in your toolbox to protect you. If you find yourself having a conversation with someone online and you’re feeling forced, pressured, and abused in any compacity, HIT THE BLOCK BUTTON AND DON’T SECOND GUESS IT! Sometimes we get sucked into a place where we think people can talk to us however they want, just as long as we get what we want. Let me remind you that you are not obligated to engage in any acts or behavior that you are not willing to do. You downloaded the app to fulfill your needs first. Why should we further any conversation if we can’t come to an agreement? Why are you still messaging me after I just said no? If an agreement cannot be made *blocked*, no hard feelings, but it saves a lot of time. Get disrespectful if you want to, this block button is fierce.
3. Be Clear
Be clear and concise with what you want. That notorious ” What are you looking for?” is the perfect opportunity to state your true intentions. Too many times do we blur the lines and let other people interpret what we’re truly looking for which leaves room for unneeded misunderstanding. I have learned to be as binary as possible with others so that I’m not seen as the type of guy who is manipulative, opportunistic, and doesn’t truly know what he wants. Constantly placing yourself in that grey area will only make your experience problematic. Trust me, be as binary as possible.
4. Develop a deeper connection
I’m not saying fall in love with someone in order to have sex with them, but developing more than just a physical connection with someone has proven to increase the value of your sex life. Giving subtle compliments or facilitating a conversation unrelated to sex are great and simple ways to develop a connection that isn’t centered around a physical manifestation. Even remembering a person’s name could make the greatest change in your sex life. Treat people like human beings, not robots– It helped me out a lot.